Sweet Jokes, Funny SMS: December 2007

Santa: What is the difference between "complete and finish"?

Banta: When you marry a right person you are complete and when you marry a wrong one, you are finished !!!!!

Laloo learns English

Laloo decides to learn English and learns an essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam an essay on 'FATHER' comes.

He replaced friend with father in the essay. It read:

I am a very fatherly person, I have many fathers. Some of my fathers are male and some are female. I have a new neighbour, I wish to make him my new father.

Laloo as Biologist

Laloo is doing dissection of a cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and says, "walk", it walks.

He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "walk", it walks.

He cuts all the legs and said, "walk....", cockroach can not walk.

Finally Laloo wrote the conclusion..

"After all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it can't listen to you, it becomes deaf..."

Some Truths About Men & Women

Men:

1. All men are extremely busy.

2. Although they are so busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off, if the woman leaves them.

7. Although the women leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and still try their luck with others.

Women:

1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes.

3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "An old rag".

6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.

Refresh Memory

One day a man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor building when a man came running in to his office and shouted "Daler, your daughter Preeto just died in an accident".

Daler was in panic. Not knowing what to do he jumped from his office window.

While coming down when he was near the tenth floor he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married. When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Daler.

Funny English Jokes, English Sms Jokes

Funny English Joke
Two English Lovers plan to Suicide.
Boy jumped first; Girl closed her eyes, and returns back saying Love is Blind.

The Boy, in mid-air opened his parachute saying Love never Dies.

Preventing Misuse

Have you hear about the Blonde who signed all his checks.

Why???

So that no one else could use them if he lost his checkbook?

"Delivered"

Santa sent a SMS to his pregnant wife. A couple of seconds later he received a report on his phone and he started to dance.

The report said: "Delivered".

Laloo Justifies

A man to Laloo: Your friend is kissing your wife in your home.

Laloo rushes home and came back within half an hour and slapped the man and said: You fool, he is not my friend.

Tell a woman

Jeeto: You tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: You tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

Funny Pandit Jokes

Pandit Jokes

Pandit: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Sardar: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Santa Banta Jokes

Santa: If I die, will you remarry?

Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?

Santa: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

* * *

Always listen to your wife.
She gives Sound Advice:
99% Sound and 1% Advice.

* * *

Santa: Why are all these people running?
Banta: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Santa: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?

* * *

Laloo was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

Funny Quiz 8

Q: Why did the soldier salute the tiger?
A: Because the tiger had more stripes.

Q: Which travels faster, cold or heat?
A: Heat, because you can catch cold.

Boy: Can you get in trouble for something you didn't do?
Teacher: No.
Boy: Good, because I forgot to do any homework.

Q. What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A. A cloud.

Q. What creature has the best aptitude for engineering?
A. The spider — It has its own website.

Funny Quiz 7

Q. What happens to cows during an earthquake?
A. They give milk shakes!

Q. Why don't skeletons fight each other?
A. They don't have the guts.

Q. What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer?
A. The Space bar!

Q. What gets bigger and bigger as you take more away from it??
A. A hole!

Funny Quiz 6

Q. What is the largest living ant in the world?
A. Elephant

Q. How do you make seven even without doing any mathematical operation?
A. Remove s

Q. What is yours, but your friends use it more than you do?
A. Your name

Q. Why is the sun so bright?
A. He listens to the teacher carefully and does his homework.

Q. What starts with P, ends with E, and has thousands of letters in it?
A. Post office

Funny Quiz 5

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: Endangered specie.

Q: Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring?
A: Because he heard it was 24 carrots!

Q: There are seven letters in an English word -- the first two letters stand for man, the first three for woman and first four for the brave man and all seven stand for brave woman, which is that word?

A: Heroine

Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

Fresh Quiz 4

Q. What are the coolest letters in the alphabet?
A. A/C!

Q. What is it that starts with "t", ends with "t" and is full of "t"?
A. A teapot!

Q. How do you make a witch itch?
A. Take away the 'w'!

Q. Take away my first letter.
    Take away my second.
    Take away all my letters and
    I still remain the same.
    What am I?

A. Postman!

Q. What's a 10 letter word that starts with gas?
A. Automobile!!

Funny Quiz - 3

Q: Where does success comes before work?
A: Only in the dictionary.

Q: Why are football stadiums always cool?
A: Because they're full of fans.

Q: What can you serve but not eat?
A: A tennis ball.

Q: Why can't a leopard hide?
A: Because he is always spotted.

Q. Why does a blonde smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.

Q. Why is there lightening while during rain?
A. God lights a torch to see no place is left dry.

Funny Quiz 2

Q. What kind of stones are never found in sea?
A. Dry stones

Q. Which city has no people?
A. Electricity

Q. What building has the most stories?
A. The library

Q. What occurs once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in a thousand years?
A. The letter "m"

Q. What letter is pronounced incorrectly by everyone?
A. "incorrectly"

Q. What is the largest ant in the world?
A. Antartica

Funny Quiz

Q. When is four half of five?
A. In Roman F(IV)E

Q. What is full of holes but still holds water?
A. Sponge

Q. What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, and has a bed but never sleeps??
A. River

Q. When does a boat show affection?
A. When it hugs the shore

Q. What happened in 1961 and will not happen again until 6009?
A. Reading them upside down means the same.

Pandit Jokes

Pandit Jokes

Sardar: Why do you take your wife to night clubs only?

Pandit: By the time she gets ready no other place is open.

Suicide

Sajan was going to railway line to commit suicide. He was carrying a tiffin with him.

When asked why?

"If the train gets late, how will I remain hungry?"

Shooting a Tiger

Lalu and Rabri were on an African Safari when a lion sprang out of nowhere & dragged Rabri with his jaws.

Rabri: Shoot him, Shoot him!

Lalu: Wait, wait! let me change battery of the camera.

Dr Batra

Dr Batra, a psyhotherapist, asked a painter to paint his name plate with large space between words.

Painter wrote like this:

Dr Batra Psycho the rapist

Kanjoos Bania

Sardar: I am so kanjoos that I went alone for my honeymoon and saved half the money.

Bania: That is nothing, I saved full money. I sent my wife for honeymoon with a friend.

Made in Japan

Tau: You cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to you.

Tau: Radio label shows "Made in Japan" but radio says: This is all India Radio.

Colorful Flag

Bitta went to a shop to buy Indian flag. On seeing the flag, he said something that confused and irritated the shopkeeper.

Guess what did he say.

"Show me some more co lors."

Best Jobs

In Toronto, Santa and Banta see a poster at a police station, "Two white men wanted for rape".

Santa: These bloody goraas (white men) always get best jobs."

Pinching a girl

In a crowded elevator, Rabri bacame angry with Lalu, who was delighted to be pressed against a beautiful girl. When the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the girl suddenly slapped Lalu and said, "This will teach you not to pinch any girl in future".

Bewildered, Lalu was on the way to parking lot with Rabri when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."

"Ofcourse you didn't," said Rabri consolingly. "I did".

This Suicide Bomber

Lalu joins suicide bomber squad. He gets bombs stacked to his body. He enter into enemy camp to blow it.

He calls his boss on mobile: Sir there are 2 enemy soldiers, can I suicide now?

Boss: Not for 2, wait for other soldiers.

Lalu: Sir, now there are 25.

Boss: Wait for more.

Lalu: Now there are 200 soldiers, can I suicide now?

Boss: Yes my brave son, go ahead, you will be a martyr. Don't worry about your family, we will support your family.

Lalu pulls his knife and stabs himself in his chest!

Love VS Marriage

Love is holding hands in the street.
Marriage is holding arguments in the street.

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant.
Marriage is a take home packet.

Love is cuddling on a sofa.
Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

Love is talking about having children.
Marriage is talking about getting away from children.

Love is going to bed early.
Marriage is going to sleep early.

Love is a romantic drive.
Marriage is arrive on tops curvy tarmac .

Love is losing your appetite.
Marriage is losing your figure.

Love is sweet nothing in the ear.
Marriage is sweet nothing in the bank.

Tv has no place in love.
Marriage is a fight for remote control.

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws.
Marriage is "Don't you think you've had enough!".

Conclusion: "Love is blind, Marriage is an eye opener!"

Distantly Related

Santa: I am distantly related to the family next door.

Banta: How?

Santa: Their dog is our dog's brother.

Ideal Match

Santa: Why didn't you marry?

Banta: I was searching for an ideal match.

Santa: So, you didn't find an ideal girl?

Banta: I found one.

Santa: Then?

Banta: She was searching for an ideal match.

Don't Marry a Software Engineer

Husband: (Returning late from work) Good Evening dear....I'm now logged in.

Wife: Have you brought the groceries?

Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: But I told you in the morning

Husband: Syntax Error. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV?

Husband: Variable not found . . .

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.

Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?

Husband: Too many parameters . . .

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.

Husband: Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless.

Husband: It's by Default.

Wife: What about your Salary?

Husband: File in use . . . Try later.

Wife: What is my value in the family.

Husband: Unknown Virus.

Childhood memories

Sam and David were sharing their childhood memories.

Sam: Once when I was playing on a road, a speeding bike hit me and I fell down on the earth unconsciously.

David: Oh my God! Did you survive that accident or you died.

Sam: I don't remember exactly, I was only 4 yeas old at that time.

Kiss

Wife: Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Young looks!

Wife: Oh dear when you remove your specks you look like the same cute boy whom I married 20 years back.

Husband: Yes dear, when I remove my specks and look at you, you also look like the same charming girl whom I married 20 years back.

Hearing aid

An old man had a hearing problem for many years. He got a set of hearing aids from a doctor.

The gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased."

The gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to their conversations. Since then, I've changed my will three times!"

Happy Singh: Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

Raminder: No..

Happy Singh: Inheritance.

* * *

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball."
"Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

Software Engineers

Q: How do you keep a programmer in the shower all day?
A: Give him a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat.

Mr Beans' wish

When I die, I wana die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving...

Lalu's brain

Lalu visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.

The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies.

Lalu goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last Words. And finds it means "You are standing on the Oxygen tube!"

* * *

Lalu & Rabri filed an application for Divorce.

Judge asked: How'll you divide your kids, you have 9 children?

Lalu replied: Ok! we'll apply after 9 months.

I and my BOSS

When I take a long time to finish, I am slow, when my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy, when my boss does not do it, he is busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be over smart, when my boss does the same, he takes the initiative.

When I make a mistake, I am an idiot, when my boss makes a mistake, he's only a human being.

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around, when my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview, when my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

When I do good, my boss never remembers, when I do wrong, he never forgets.

Post it

Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver you this packet.

Lalu: Why did you come so far. Instead you could have posted it...

Duty is duty

Lalu to servant: Go and water the plants.

Servant: It's raining.

Lalu: So what take an umbrella and go !!!

Lalu about family planning

Lalu in a family planning seminar appeals Biharis: Don't give birth to more than 2 children in a year.

Lalu about family planning

Lalu in a family planning seminar appeals Biharis: Don't give birth to more than 2 children in a year.

Lalu in College

A Teacher lecturing on population:
In India after every 10 seconds, a women gives birth to a kid.

Lalu stands up: We must find & stop her.

Marriage

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished...

Laloo's Funda

Laloo cuts sides of the capsule before taking it?

Guess why ??????????

To avoid side effects!!!

Son-in-Law

Lady: So, you want to become my son-in-law?

Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter!

Definitions

Wife: Do u know the meaning of WIFE? With Idiot For Ever !!!

Husband: No, It means: Without Information Fighting Everytime.

Perfect Eyesight

Wife: (standing in front of mirror) I am fat, old, wrinkled and no longer pretty. Will you still give me compliment?

Husband: Your eyesight is still excellent though!

Lost Wife

Two men were searching for their lost wife in a carnival.

1st: How does your wife look like?
2nd: She is 5'7", 36-24-36, fair, beautiful, brown eyes, brown hair. And yours?
1st: Forget mine, let us look for yours...

Movie Tickets

Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: Why three?

Husband: For you and your parents.

What a Relief !!!

Bush was watching xxx movie. He saw his wife in the movie. After the movie ended Bush heaved a sigh and said, "Thank God! It was just a movie!!!"

Male bashing...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!! (Yea)

Q: What's the difference between an
intelligent man & a UFO?
A: I don't know, I've never seen either.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Female Bashing...

Saval: Patni maike jakar pati ko roj phone kyon karti hai?

Javab: Taki pati ko yad rahe musibat tali nahi, phir aane vali hai!!!

* * *

Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: No mind, No business ..LoL!!!

* * *

Man: Sir, my wife is missing Postmaster: Bhai yeh postoffice hai. Ja ke policestation mein complaint likhao.

Man: Kya karun, khushi ke mare kutch samaj hi nahi aa rha.

* * *

Wife: If I climb Mount Everest what will you give to me.

Husband: "Dhakka !!!"

Don't bother

"Let me count the money,'' said the burglar to his companion, after looting a bank.
"Don't bother. The amount will be published in tomorrow's newspaper,'' said his companion."

Growing up boys

Santo: My boy is growing up, he wants to go out with girls.
Banto: My boy is past that. He wants to stay indoors with them.

Second marriage

Wife: Honey, if I died would you get married again?
Husband: No dear.
Wife: I'm sure you would.
Annoyed husband: Okay, I would.
Wife: Would you let her sleep in our bed?
Husband: Ya, I guess so.
Wife: Would you let her wear my clothes.
Husband: No, she is taller than you.

White hair

Kid: Why are some of your hair white mom?
Mom: Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hair turns white.
Kid thought for a moment, and then said, "Mamma, how come *all* of grandma's hair are white?"

Lottery

A blonde buys a ticket for one dollar and wins the lottery. She goes to claim it and says, "I want my $20 million." Man replied, "No, madam. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The blonde said, "Oh, no!!! Look I want all my money right now! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back."

Smart trainee

A young naval student was being tested by an old sea captain. "What
would you do if a sudden storm sprang up you ship?" "Throw out an
anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up?" "Throw
out another anchor, sir." "And if another terrific storm sprang up
forward, what would you do?" "Throw out another anchor."

"Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors
from?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."

Impression

A General was working in his office when he heard a knock on the door. A young soldier walked in.

Wanting to impress him, the General picked up his phone dialled a number and said "Yes sir, I understand sir. I will pass that on to the Prime Minister. Goodbye."

Looking at the soldier he barked "What do you want?"
"Nothing sir." he replied. "I just came to install your telephone."

National interest

A man joined army and was given a gun.

Man asked: Sir, to what side should I point its nozzle, towards myself or to the opposite side.

Officer: Stupid, keep it anyway, in both the cases it will be benefit the nation.

Santa's Style

Santa got promotion from clerk to manager.

He went home and told his wife in new style "You will sleep with a manager today…"

Wife fell unconscious

Psychology

Man: Doctor, when I take a bath I get wet. Doctor: ok, next time when you are going to take a bath, turn off the tap.

Gender mentality

A teacher asked to punctuate the following sentence:

"Woman without her man is nothing"

Boys wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

Girls wrote: "Woman: without her, man is nothing."

New in town

A drunk man points towards sky and asks another drunk: Is it sun or moon?
"I can't say what it is", came the reply, "because I am also new in town."

Fight to start

Santa: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me a drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender gives him a drink.
Santa again says: Hurry-up, hurry-up, give me drink. Fight is about to start.
Bartender again gives him a drink.
Santa again asks for a drink as the fight is about to star.
Bartender: When on earth the fight will start?
Santa: When you will ask for money.

In pregnancy

A Little boy asks a pregnant lady: Aunty, what is inside your stomach?
Lady: A cute little baby.
Boy: If it is cute, why did u eat it?

Marriage date

Santa to Banta: I and my girlfriend are getting married.
Banta: Oh great, but when is the marriage?
Santa: My marriage is on 13th Dec and my girlfriend's on 20th.

Swimming champion

Titanic was sinking. A swimming champion asked a fellow: How much the earth is far from here. Fellow: 2 kilo meter. Swimmer jumped into the sea and asked again: ...to which direction? "Downwards", the reply came.

Reward for honesty

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a single $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn't have any change for a reward."

Dinner guest

"Honey," said a husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, all the dishes are dirty,
and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.
"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?" said the
infuriated wife.

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Grow trees save earth

A passerby noticed two workers working along the city sidewalks. The man couldn't understand what they were doing. He asked them, "I appreciate your hard work, but what are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. One of the workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is on leave today."

Now we run!

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves near to the boy. Placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Hillary's ex-Boyfriend

Bill and Hillary Clinton are driving in the country near Hillary's hometown. Bill stops at a gas station. The man at the gas station exclaims, "Hey, Hillary! We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They talk merrily for some time. As they leave, Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary.

"You used to date that guy? Just think what life would be if you hadn't married me," he says. Hillary looks at Bill and says to him, "Well, I guess you'd be pumping gas and he'd be the President".

Dad's Password !

A man was working on his computer; his little daughter was standing behind him. She turned and ran into the kitchen, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!" "What is it? Her brother asked eagerly. Proudly she replied: "star, star, star, star, star, star !"

Annoying lawyer

A witness to a road accident was being testified.

Lawyer: Did you actually see the accident?

Witness: Yes, sir.

Lawyer: How far away were you when the accident happened?

Witness: Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.

Lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?

Witness: Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question .

Grandfather’s wealth

One boy: When my grandfather died he left 10 million dollars.

Second boy: When my grandfather died he left 20 million dollars.

Third boy: That's nothing, When my grandfather died he left the whole world

Life Insurance

Q. Define Life Insurance.

A. A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich.

Quick service

Three insurance salesmen were sitting in a restaurant boasting about each company's service.

First: When one of our insured died, we processed the claim for his wife and had mailed a check within 48 hours.

Second: When one of our insured died, we were able to deliver a check the same evening.

Third: That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th floor of the World Trade Centre. One of our insured, who was washing a window on the 85th floor, slipped and fell. We handed him his check as he passed our floor!

Judge can’t judge a lawyer

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!"

Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. "But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the complainant's lawyer's business card!"

51 fools

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people fooled! Fifty people fooled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing like that, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being fooled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people fooled!"

Consolation

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. "The only consolation I can find in these awful grades," lamented the father, "is that I know he never cheated during his exams

Audience’s agony

"Why do you close your eyes while playing the piano?"
"I can't see the agony of the audience."

Wrong number

An man rang labor room of hospital to see how his pregnant wife was getting on. By mistake he dialled the number of a cricket stadium.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got four out already and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."

Prescription

A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient. "Be sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours," the pharmacist says. "Don't worry," replies the patient. "It takes me 4 hours to get the lid off".

Mis-slap

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reacts and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

The man says, "NOoooo..., but my wife out in the car still does!"

Accuracy

An accountant visited a History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

The mourner

A man was kneeling at a grave. He was praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die? Your death ruined my life."

Another man approached him and said, "Sir, for whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent? Wife? or Girlfriend?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Doctor & Nurse

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills !!!

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

In safe hands

Patient: Doctor I heard 10 percent of the total patients undergoing this surgery die.
Doctor: Don't worry man, those 10 percent patients operated by me are already dead. Now it's the turn of the 90 percent survivors.

* * *

Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills !!!

* * *

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Rubber gloves

Surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." "Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Big share

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.

After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Matching colors

Patient: "Doctor, I teeth are yellowish in color, what should I do?"
Dentist: "Wear a brown tie..."

Salary rise

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.

Husband's calculation

A mathematician reached home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."

Fish slip

A waiter brings the customer the fish he ordered with his thumb over the piece. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my fish?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Memory loss

Patient: Doctor! I have a serious problem; I can never remember what I just said.
Doctor: When did you first notice this problem?
Patient: Which problem?

Ice cream flavors

Customer: What flavors of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have sore throat?"
"No...." replied the waitress with some effort, "just... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

Judge's wish

In a traffic court, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket (challan) given her for driving through a red light. She requested the judge she was a schoolteacher and an immediate disposal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a schoolteacher, eh?" he continued, "Madam, sit down at that table and write 'I will never jump a red light again' 500 times! "

Real friend

Just after David expelled his maid, she took five bucks from her purse & threw it to the family dog. When David asked the reason, she answered: I never forget a friend. This was because of helping me clean the dishes all the time!

Haven’t seen a little boy

A little boy got into the women's change room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

Heaven or hell

A little girl was talking to her teacher about an accident.
Girl: Ma'm, My friends say John was run over by a car.
Teacher: No no, baby, he was killed when a bus hit him.
Girl insisted: I am sure he was run over by a car. I'll ask John when I go to heaven.
Irritated teacher: What if John went to hell.
Girl: Then you ask him.

Burglar’s silence

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house so silently without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Mom’s toothbrush

A 4 year old kid came out of the bathroom to tell his mother he had dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. Mother fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He thought for a moment, then ran to bathroom and came out with his mom's toothbrush. He said with a charming little smile: We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it also fell in the toilet a few days ago.

Sweet heart!

Bill was invited for dinner by a friend. Every time he needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "Darling", "Sweet-heart", etc. etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." Bill replied, "Well, honestly speaking, I've just forgotten her name."

National Mentality

When an insect falls into a mug of beer...

Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian: Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani: 1) Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer.
2) Relates the issue to Kashmir.
3) Asks the Chinese for Military aid.
4) Takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

Fly in soup

Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.

* * *

Waiter, 2 flies are drowned in my soup!
Waiter: Should I stop my work and train them how to swim.

Criminal Mastermind

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "Yes" to the previous question, was " Why?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught. "

Car operating system

Bill's company made software to run a car. Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side. Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes. A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?" Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.

In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door. He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams. Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane. A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed. All the window-panes of the car will be closed. " Poor Bill died.

Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell." Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please." Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.

Tooth Pulling

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Dentist's thinking

Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

Cyber police

Man: Please register my complaint, my computer is stolen.
Police constable: Is internet also stolen?

Compatibility matters

Customer: I'd like a mouse mat, please.
Salesperson: Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.
Customer: Make sure it is compatible with my computer.

Politicians

Define Politician: A person who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after that.

***

Q. What's the difference between a politician and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

* * *

Q. How can you tell when a politician is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Hijackers' trick

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of politicians. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one politician every hour.

Lawyer jokes

Lawyer's fees

A new client meets a famous lawyer.
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?

Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!

Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?

Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Lawyer jokes

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

* * *

99 percent lawyers are cunning, they give the rest a bad name.

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house, and take good care of me ... They must be gods!

A cat thinks: My owners feed me, love me, provide me with a nice house and take good care of me ... I must be a god!

Yoga affects nail biting

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead

Yoga affects drinking

Yoga teacher to a woman: Has yoga any effect over your husband's drinking habit?

Woman: Yes, Yes !! An amazing effect !! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down over his head.

Parrot for sale

A man went to an auction. He bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher. Finally, he won the bid. As he was paying, he said to the Auctioneer, "I surely hope such a costly parrot can talk. "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Dog for sale

Buyer to seller: Is your dog faithful?
Seller: Yes, I have sold him 3 times earlier also. He is so faithful, everytime he returned back to me.

Doctor’s promise

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor. He was treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."

"Don't worry, it won't happen to you. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia only."

Clean cup

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"

Waiter instructs the cook: "Two teas, with one asked for a clean cup."

Wonderful coffee

Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. How wonderful it would be if you serve me coffee free of cost today.

Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. How wonderful it would be if you drink from an empty cup today !!!

God is watching

Children were standing in the canteen of a school for lunch. There was a large pile of apples on a table with a note posted on the tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, on another table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child wrote a note, "Take all you want. God is watching apples!"

Jokes

Santa: If I die, will you remarry?

Jeeto: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will you remarry?

Santa: No, I'll also stay with your sister.

* * *

Always listen to your wife.
She gives Sound Advice:
99% Sound and 1% Advice.

* * *

Santa: Why are all these people running?
Banta: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Santa: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?

* * *

Laloo was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!

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